What the Democrats Got Wrong
The reason the Democrats lost the 2024 presidential election was that they failed to understand working class Americans…. They failed to understand that they could just make sh*t up and lie to them in order to scam their votes. Instead of detailed policy proposals or pointing out actual positive economic data, they should have just said, “This is the best economy in the history of the world and if you elect us we will eliminate inflation on Day One. Taxes will disappear and everyone will get free bacon and an air fryer.” And maybe throw in: “The Republicans are selling your babies to soup makers.” That’s the way to win elections. Democrats, you are so out of touch.
Democrats need to do some soul searching. Instead of obsessing about what fraction of 1% of the undocumented female Latino-Arab mail carriers between the ages of 34 and 35 in Milwaukee switched to vote Trump, just get out there and say, “The Republicans are flying suicide terrorists into middle America to kill your grandparents and prevent you from doing preventative gutter maintenance.” Just say, “Democrats made gasoline free, and the Republicans want to force cars to run on goat milk.”
Instead of raising one trillion dollars to run ads trying to persuade the 17 Republican women who dislike Trump to secretly defy their husbands and vote for a Democrat, just go on podcasts that men and anti-feminist women listen to and tell them that your Republican opponents want to defund zoos, force American workers to adopt and raise orangutans instead of human babies, and are giving the orangutans free healthcare and voting rights.
I’ll make it even easier for you, Democrats. Next time there’s a presidential election, if there is a next time, every speech your candidate makes should just be the following points strung together with improvisational dance moves:
- Republicans are using FEMA funds to import millions of foreign rats that are poisoning our water supply.
- Under all previous Democratic administrations there was zero percent unemployment, and eggs were free.
- Republicans are letting condiments compete in high school sports.
- Republicans started all wars; there have never been any wars under Democrats, and on Day One I will make a phone call to South America and they will stop sending immigrants our way.
- If you vote for the Republican, your vote will secretly switch to Democratic, so vote Democratic if you want the Republican to win.
- Truth is a lie of the Marxist media, which owns the Republican party.
- My opponent is ugly and a very, very stupid person who should be tried for treason.
- If the other side wins, I can’t guarantee that my supporters won’t burn down the entire country.
Sticking to these winning points will prove that you understand regular working class Americans. Because appealing to logic and reason will show that you are out of touch and don’t care about the lives of real Americans.
