The Covfefe Conspiracy

by Donald Trump

I had to get this off my chest. I am posting it to Medium because nobody will ever see it here.

Melania was getting old and I was bored. My brand was sagging and I needed a new gimmick. “Run for President,” the Steves told me. “No one will take you seriously but you’ll make a shitload of money. You could even have your own TV station!”

What they didn’t tell me is that the morons would elect me. It would have been ok if I could have ruled from a White Castle, but instead I had to live in the dingy White House. It was a stupid job. Sometimes there were meetings and nobody set up any TV cameras. What is the point of a meeting if it’s not on TV? If I didn’t cancel the Presidency show I would have to stay doing it for 8 years. That’s like 3 marriages.

One night in 2017, I asked the Steves if they could come up with a way for me to get out of the job without quitting or being fired by the Senate. They are really smart, not as smart as me, because I have a very big brain with lots of beautiful things in it, but smart for someone who is not me. They said we could release a disease. It would kill lots of stupid people who voted for me and it could tank the economy.

This was a really smart plan because then I could get voted out and not have to look like a quitter. Nobody could blame me for a natural pandemic thing. The Steves said we can blame China. So it’s not my fault and I can leave this stupid gig.

The meeting with the Steves was long and there were lots of words that they said. I was tired and as I fell asleep I started tweeting about how great this plan was. I tweeted “Covfefe,” which was what I think they said the name of the virus was going to be. Luckily, I fell asleep because I guess it’s not good to tell people before you have the big Pandemic Premier. The Steves took care of the timing of the release so it could mess up the election. They are some of the greatest producers I have ever worked with.

So that’s how we got this big, beautiful Covfefe Pandemic and I want to thank all the people who helped make the disease possible, though some are dead now.

I look forward to getting my life back, dumping Melania, marrying someone a bit more Ivankish and doing a new show. It’s going to be called “The Repentish” and it’s about me leading the Evangelicals but I get to send them to Hell when they pull a Jerry Falwell, Jr. My new tag line will be “You’re Fired Into Fire!”

DJT