More of My Tweets!!!
Many of you have not been reading my tweets on Twitter. I’m sure that was an innocent oversight on your part. So, for your convenience, I bring them to you here.
Eric, smooth as a quantum stabilized atom mirror
I’ve just recalculated how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. It looks like my original analysis was way off. But I already published my Phd thesis. So embarrassing.
It’s 2022 and still no sign of Atlantis rising. What gives?
I’m eating that thing.
Sometimes, you want to get more steps in, but you just don’t have the time. Send away for my guide on how to trick your phone into adding more “steps” while you relax on the couch! You’ll learn tricks like the “hand walk” or slipping your phone into someone else’s pocket! 10,000 “steps” guaranteed!
When I was a kid, we had a dress up to get on a plane. And they shot the plans out of giant slingshots…
This just in: You don’t have to wear a mask if you let out a constant, shrieking sound and wave your hands over your head. It keeps the Covid away (by keeping people away).
How do Republicans rank their outrages? Are they angriest about Mr. Potato Head, Big Bird, or the TeleTubbies?
If you want to make fun of a brain surgeon, do you say, “It’s not rocket science”? Or if you want to make fun of a rocket scientist, do you say, “It’s not brain surgery?” Which way does it go? It can’t work for both.
I just came across this metal sheeting, very thin, like a foil, made of aluminum, that is flexible enough to wrap around a piece of food or a dead canary. I don’t know if it has a name yet — Fleximetal? Alumiflex? Metaliflexifoil?
An eggplant Parmesan should be called an “Eggplarmesian.”
The best I can hope for my home-made cookies is the flavor of “would have been good if they hadn’t burned.”
I was so close to taking a shower. But, you know, new surge.
Good news, everybody! Far from being Monday, today is actually an extra day of Sunday! You’re welcome.
How come, when you buy velcro strips, the package they come in doesn’t velcro shut? Do they not trust their own technology?
For those who like dry wine, do you prefer a powdered red or a powdered white?
Just heard the news: Due to supply chain problems, extraneous letters, especially vowels, are in limited supply. From now on, Salad is Slad, Aura is Ora and Aardvarks are just ‘Varks. Christmas is still Xmas.
From now on, eyebrows will be referred to as forehead mustaches.
damn ambiguities presented by conflicting antecedents!!! #amwriting
Water is literally falling out of the sky.
If you’re not sure, but you think you might have to pee, it’s called a possibilipee.
Damnit! — Where are cockroaches when you need them?
That’s enough for now. I don’t want to overload you with my brilliance. If you want to receive my tweets fresh off the tweestream, follow me here: @ericindiana
