Lessons From an Immortal Being
I know you may be wondering how it is that I am immortal, so let’s get that out of the way first. It’s not vampirism or the blood of virgin nematodes, though that helps. I am simply the only person on the planet who consumes a diet rich in both mung beans and processed sugar. Because those two items are culturally mutually exclusive, no one else has ever experienced their combined benefits.
Here are some of my observations about humans, which may have eluded you mortals.
- Human History Repeats
After having suffered through an old, White, cognitively impaired right-wing racist entertainer who became President in 1980 with the support of Evangelical Christians, we never thought we’d have to endure another Ronald Reagan. But then came a fatter, stupider, less mature, far more corrupt version in 2016. Just like the first, Republicans will deify the second, adding “martyr,” as they claim the election was stolen from him.
Just to toy with us, history also gave us this coincidence: Ronald Wilson Reagan has six letters in each name (sign of the Devil). So too has Trump, if you look at his original family name: Donald Johann Drumpf.
2. End of World Obsessions
Western cultures are obsessed with the imagined imminent end of the world. They go into a frenzy at the turn of every century, and doomsday religious leaders appear like slow-pop popcorn* about once every fifty years. They also think that each pandemic, political upheaval and natural catastrophe spells certain doom. The actual end of the world isn’t coming for another 17 months, when pants become sentient… and resentful.
3. Humans and Good Music
There have only been 317 really good songs written in all of human history, and most of them are by the Ramones. No good music has been written since the early 1990s, with the exception of a song I wrote about my pajamas last night.
4. Human Psychology
Humans are the only species in the universe that hates itself.
5. Human Bands
Every successful band that doesn’t die young will reject, then embrace their early music and reunite to form a cover band of themselves.
6. Humans and Dog Poop
Human beings enslave, er, adopt and care for dogs in order to control where how and why they poop and pee for the lifespan of the dog, which their human owners will cut short once the dog can no longer conform to the pooping and peeing guidlines set down by the human. They even go so far as to take the dog out to poop only to wrap the poop in plastic and bring it back to the house to throw away so that, wrapped in plastic and left in a landfill, it can avoid decomposing.
7. Human Hypocrisy
The most hypocritical thing about humans, besides honking at people who commit the same driving offenses they themselves get honked at for, is when humans, the most annoying and continuously chatty organism on Earth, adopt dogs in order to yell at them for making their natural barking sounds.
8. Humans and Nature
Humans have an obsession with controlling nature, from breeding bizarrly shaped dogs to dismembering the limbs of innocent hedges and trees. They can spend their entire lives trying to control how plants grow, only to die and decompose and turn into plants for other humans to cut and trim.
9. Humans and Lists
Humans love making lists. Unlike self-help programs, which have to have 6 or 12 steps, all lists must contain 10 items. This list doesn’t, because I am not a mortal being. But feel free to add a 10th observation about humans in the comments.
- I made up “slow-popped popcorn.”
