How to Reach Enlightenment in 10 Easy Steps

Step One: Do not bother reading a 10-step method for reaching enlightenment.

Step Two: Are you still there? You must be really stupid. Or really bored. Or both.

Step Three: Invent an 8th chakra, pick a color and a frequency for it, and base an entire self-help empire on your new chakra.

Step Four: Avoid dairy.

Step Five: Go back to Step Two.

Step Six: How did you get past Step Five? Perhaps you are already on your way to enlightenment.

Step Seven: Send me money. In exchange, I will send you a word that I have made up that is just for you.

Other Step Seven: Learn the true nature of God and the Universe.

Step Eight: Learn ballroom dancing or, if you already know it, unlearn it.

Step Nine: You’ve worked hard; skip this step (unless you want to reach enlightenment, in which case you’ve already done this step… or have you?) Either way you should be fine, as long as you don’t finish reading this sentence.

Step Ten: Kill an enlightened person, as there is only so much enlightenment to go around.

That’s it! Congratulations. Now, please fix all that is wrong with the universe. It’s your job.