How to Improve Sports
Soccer
Soccer would be more fun to watch & take more strategy to play if each team has 3 goals they had to defend, spread around the perimeter of the field.
Football
Football helmets should be attached to shoulder pads in a one-piece armored suit that contains super shock absorbers. The intent would be to eliminate brain and other serious injuries.
Boxing
Boxing should be virtual. Each player has a 3-D holographic avatar of him/herself, controlled by electrodes attached to a full body suit. Points are scored by skillful boxing, with no broken noses, concussions, or bitten off ears.
Ballet
In the event that boxing and football are banned some day due to people coming to grips with how damaging they are, they should be replaced by full contact ballet — beautiful, yet brutal.
Swimming
The viscosity of the water should be increased as the swimmers near the finish line, until they are barely moving through a thick sludge.
Golf
Random golf balls should be rigged to explode. Penguins should be incorporated into the game. Players should be allowed to tickle each other. One hole on the Green should be infested with poisonous snakes. Anything to make it interesting to watch.
Tae Kwan Don’t
For those who don’t like Tae Kwan Do.
Figure Skating
For some reason, there’s an obligatory crotch shot in figure skating, when the skater is obliged to skate in front of the judges with one leg in the air so they can get a good view of her underwear. I think skaters should have a message written on their underwear for this portion of the show. Perhaps, “Pick me!” or “Hi Mom!” or “Sponsored by Arm and Hammer.”
Running
Running should be conducted on a high tech track that moves in the opposite direction of the runners so that the runners don’t appear to be running away, and the audience always has the runners directly in front of them. You’d be able to watch all the details of the race right in front of you. It might be a little freaky for the competitors, if they looked to the side and saw that no matter how fast they ran the seated audience was always next to them.
Basketball
It would be hard to improve basketball, but I think that attaching elastic bungee cords from the ceilings to the players might be fun. Then there would be practically no limit on how high they could jump.
Badminton
It should be called “Goodminton.” Then it wouldn’t scare off so many people.
Squash
Something should actually get squashed.
Baseball
Calling it “the American pastime” is a marketing mistake, since it sounds like it’s past time that Americans should be interested in it. I suggest calling it, “softball on steroids.”
Polo
Relying on another species to play a game seems bizarre to me. What do the horses think about this? They are trained to spend their lives functioning in a way that makes no sense in terms of survival behavior. I suggest that we let another species ride us around in some strange ritualistic manner that we can’t understand. Perhaps beavers could cling to our necks, force us to run circles around trees and down to the river where they would slap the water with strips of bark. Other beavers would sit around us in a circle making excited beaver noises.
