Eric’s Words of Wisdom

Who is Eric? We don’t know. But here are his Words of Wisdom:

• You are only as old as the exact amount of time you have spent alive.
• When someone asks you to smell milk to see if it’s gone bad, say, “No.”
• Saying, “Long story short,” doesn’t retroactively make the story short.
• If you ask, “Can I ask you something?” then you already have.
• No one can ever be “more than welcome.” You’re either welcome or you’re not. You’re welcome.
• Farting slowly as you walk through a store does not limit the damage.
• Watching a cooking contest on TV is like watching a music contest with the sound turned off. In both cases, you place a ridiculous amount of trust in the judges.
• It bothers the employees of a store less that you steal their pitted fruits and more that you spit the pits on their floor for them to clean up. Please spit your stolen pits into a trash can.
• Yelling “Whoo!” outside sporting and concert arenas is never appropriate, especially outside my apartment window.
• If you live long enough, everything good for you will become bad for you… and good for you again.
• The sociopath who thought of repackaging stale cookies as “scones” was a marketing genius.
• You are only as old as your biological age.