A collection of my recent tweets

Follow my tweets at @ericindiana

• Sometimes, I just feel like going into a little room and sitting alone, all by myself for a while. I called that room the bathroom.
• Gently massaging my kale is not good enough, restaurant. I really need you to give it cognitive therapy. Then I’ll eat it.
• Did Salt ever feel bad that Pepa got the cooler sounding stage name? I mean, “You’re salt. Your name will be ‘Salt’.”
• My gardening store will be called Mulch Ado About Nothing.

or Mulcho Gracias.

or Too Mulch of a Good Thing.

• One of the disappointing things about the pandemic is that I can still smell people’s colognes through my masks.
• Be careful: One switched letter turns meditate into its opposite, medihate, and you don’t want that.
• Volcanyes: a more positive volcano.
• If you’re ever mad at your sister but you don’t want he to to know, in your mind you can call her Cyst-er. You’re welcome.
• Winteresting: an interesting winter.
• I am planning to be happy at 12:46pm EST. Would you like to join me? It’ll just take a minute.
• If you wait long enough, every shop and corner store will eventually become a realty place.
• In other news, I just tweeted.
• Blankets are comfortable. I’m sorry — that’s a bit of a blanket statement, isn’t it?
• Oh my God! This whole time, I haven’t been pronouncing the W in “write.”
• When affixing blame, people are always too quick to rule out sentient marshmallows.
• We just found out that our church worships the wrong god, but we already printed up all the prayer books and pamphlets and everything, so we’re just gonna keep going with the wrong god.
• This just in: Man times fart on train so it will dissipate before conductor comes by for ticket.
• Everyone who is more cautious than you about Covid is crazy; everyone who is less cautious than you is insane.
• How many of you hope, when you get to your plane seat, that you have to tighten rather than loosen the seat belt?
• I wonder how many millions of gallons of green dye are added to green products to let us know they are environmentally friendly.
• It’s funny how the answer to “I don’t know who needs to hear this…” is always nobody.
• Why do people in social media think that if animals could speak English they would have bad grammar?
• I disagree.
• I am going to raise millions of dollars to make a movie just so I can have a character on film finally say “goodbye” before hanging up a phone.
• This just in: Nobody who says, “I’m too old for this shit” is too old for this shit.
• This just in: You can make this shit up, after all.
• I just checked. There is a person in the world named Gogififu.
• Here are the worst things in the world, not necessarily in this order: 1. Restaurants who use Facebook as their website. 2. Any shop that exclusively sells cookies. Local Yelp reviews of restaurants. 4. War.
• An island literally is land. But a patch of water on land isn’t an iswater. That confuses me.
• My conclusion is that cookie shops are always tragically disappointing.
• If you understand something too well, you are overstanding it.
• Shoutout to Seymour Fangquest and the entire Men’s Bilateral Throttle Twist team for bringing home the copper! Go Team MSKL! And great effort to the bicycle pump racers — at least you beat Canderia. #OlympicGames #TeamMSKL
• When unsure whether you are frying or sautéing, just say “Frytéing.”
• Political statement I know my followers will agree with. Retweet if you agree.
• What?

Wrong answers only.

• Why don’t they call it a teeth brush?
• I’m so far behind the times I’m still using amateur nouns.
• The temperature on my oven is set digitally. When I’m bored, I torment my oven by setting the temperature for just a little cooler than the room temp, like 65 degrees f. It can’t fight back because it’s a machine.
• I honestly have never thought much about James K. Polk.
• Prediction: Shortly before the end of the world, ghee will come in a squirt-tube, like Cheese Whiz and it will be called Ghee Whiz.
• Clickbait here for unbelievable where-are-they-know wardrobe malfunctions.